Saturday, February 9, 2013

Little Moments

Do you ever have these moments when you are overcome with happiness?  They're hard to describe, and for me, they come out of nowhere and happen at the strangest times.  I had these moments at times you would expect; when I walked down the aisle to marry Jim, and after both Lilly and Jack were born.  But sometimes, they happen out of the blue.  For example, I had one of these moments early last year, when I was driving back from doctor's appointment in the middle of the day, with a sick Lilly and a tiny Jack.  The only way to really describe is to say that all I could do was smile.  Not because Lilly was sick or because we were stuck in traffic driving back from the doctor's office, but because at that moment, I realized that my life is good.  I was exactly where I wanted to be--looking after my children.  I didn't have to run out of work to take Lil to the doctor; I didn't have anywhere else that I needed to be; at that moment, I appreciated more than ever the sacrifices that Jim and I make so that I can stay home with our little ones.  We're doing what works for us, which isn't always easy.  It's not what is best for any other family, but it is what is best for us.

This morning, I had another one of these moments, and once again, it came out of nowhere and for no special reason.  We have 30 inches of snow outside, which for Lilly, made this morning just as exciting as Christmas.  She came into our room earlier than we would have liked to wake us up and show us how much snow was outside our bedroom door.  Her face lit up with the innocence of a three-year-old.  While Jim and I would happily have enjoyed this blizzard from inside, watching a movie or reading and drinking coffee, Lilly and Jack had other plans.  Jack went back to sleep this morning, as he had his 15 month shots on Thursday and is getting more teeth, so he's had better days.  Lilly eagerly put on her snow gear and headed outside to "help" Jim shovel us out.  Just as Jim would shovel a path, Lilly would walk along the path, pushing more snow into it.  Jim realized that his effort at explaining why she should play in the rest of the yard instead of right where he was shoveling, was futile.  So he kept shoveling and Lilly kept "helping."  I was taking pictures from inside, as I can think of things that are more fun than being 36 weeks pregnant in the snow.  As I was taking pictures, with my hot cup of coffee, I was once again overcome with happiness.  I don't know why this moment brought on these feelings, but as I watched my husband and my little daughter outside, and thought about a not-so-happy little guy sleeping upstairs, I couldn't help but smile.  These moments are little reminders,  that seem to come out of nowhere, just letting me know that I have a wonderful life.  It's not perfect, and it's not the life that everyone would choose, but for me, I'm right where I want to be.

I love these little reminders, because as I said, life is never perfect.  I have many moments when I wonder if we're making the right decisions; I wonder if I'm being the best wife I can be; I wonder if I could be a better mother.  I have moments when I just want to be by myself, and instead I'm surrounded by little people who are constantly talking or asking to be held.  I have moments when I want to burst into tears, for no real reason other than I'm overwhelmed, but know that I can't burst into tears in front of my children.  What would my explanation to Lilly be as to why I'm crying?  Something along the lines of, "because I'm tired and feel big and pregnant and just want to be left alone!"

Luckily, the moments of happiness far outnumber the moments of uncertainty.  As I've discovered, this is all part of being a Mum.

Here's how our weekend started.  Lots more blizzard pictures to come!  We are enjoying Nemo, 2013.

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